At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
my being single is dangerous.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
