I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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