Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
