Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Randomize
