Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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