i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
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Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
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i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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