Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
