I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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