My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
