he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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