So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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