i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
