Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
