So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.