it's too hot outside to masturbate.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
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Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
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If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.