I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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