He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
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his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
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there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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