i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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