Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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