We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
