You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
