I can text with my tongue
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
