I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
