after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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