Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
