My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
