Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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