It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
