Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
