I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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