She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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