I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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