Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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