Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
