Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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