how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
