i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
