My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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