It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
