you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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