Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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