It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
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