I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
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