if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
