I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
