Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
