my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Never joke about your clitoris.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
