Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
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