Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.