He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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