Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
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