I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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