My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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