I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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