fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
he shaved USA in his pubs
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
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