Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.