We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
