Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
