There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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