OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
