my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
